Lately I've been thinking a bit about the "what I want" questions. What do I want to do? Do I want to stay at home with Xavier forever? Do I want any more children? Do I want to go out and work? What would I want to do if I did? Do I want to go back to school for my Masters or maybe a different degree? What do I really enjoy that I could do for the rest of my life? Why do I get so frustrated with Xavier so easily? Why can't I find the motivation to do things around the house other than watch TV, read, play on the computer and occasionally do dishes or laundry or even cook? And on and on. Do I have answers to any of those questions? Most of them seem to be a great big "I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!"

Some days I think I would love to have another child, give Xavier a sibling. But then he goes on his "I'm an ass" kicks for what seems like days on end. I love him dearly, but he can be such a demon sometimes, as most of you have seen and know first hand.

I enjoy staying home with Xavier, but some days I really want to get away from him. If we had the money I'd just take him to day care and get out, but we don't. I'd think about finding a babysitter, but again the money issue comes up. I'd do babysitting swap-type deals, but I don't really have friends with children his age that I could do that with.

Some days I think having a job might help a bit. Get me out of the house, have adult interaction, feel needed and useful. Why can't I feel that way at home? Why do I feel so useless and unwanted/unneeded, unproductive, etc.? I guess I don't feel that what I do around the house is really all that great a deal, so I don't feel like I'm really DOING anything. YKWIM? Some days I really feel that if I were to just up and disappear or die that things would be better. I know that's not a good way to think, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel true sometimes.

I enjoy reading. Could I do that as a job? I doubt it. I'm really not that great with grammar and catching all those mistakes. Isn't that important in jobs such as that? I enjoy playing certain games on my computer. Not really a job to encompass that. I mean I could try to be a beta tester but I don't seem to have that diverse a taste in games and game types to qualify for that, really. I love taking pictures, whether its of nature, or inanimate objects or Xavier and/or Gemina. But can I eally do that on a larger scale without schooling or training? I'd take classes but again the issue of money comes up again. As does daycare. ugh.

Xavier knows exactly what buttons to push to piss me off to no end. He does things continuously that I have told him time and time again not to do. He gets into things he knows he shouldn't. He chases and harasses Gemina to the point where she seems to think she has to always be in someone's lap. It seems as if he truly is a demon-child. He goes in phases where one thing will constantly be his focus... First it was belly buttons and blowing farts on your stomach. Now it seems to be that he constantly wants his hands on "boobies" be it mine, mom's, Rob's, dad's, Andrea's, even Gemina's once in a while. It gets really annoying. He just puts his hand there and doesn't move it, and when you take it off he thinks its a game and keeps going back and nothing seems to deter him. He's got a one track mind and when he gets his mind set on something its hell to try to dissuade him. *deep breath* Its been inferred that I am high strung. Maybe its true. Maybe I do let him get too me a bit too much, but dagnabbit I spend more or less 24-7-365 with him and it gets so old. I know, stop complaining and do something, but what? I have no clue.

I think the lack of motivation stems from expending so much energy on Xavier and trying to stay calm and watch him that I feel drained of all other energy, ideas or motivation. If it requires movement, I usually want nothing to do with it. I'd rather curl up on the couch with a book, or put in a movie, or even play/work on the computer than have to do anything else. Atleast those things the only thing that is really being used is my brain and mental tasks. They don't require chasing a very willful almost 3 year old. Yes, in just over a week my little hellion will be 3. Can you believe it? I don't know if I can.

I'm sorry for all the complaining, but this is all that's been on my mind. I'm trying to figure things out and get my poor befuddled mind and senses in some sort of order.