Troubling thoughts

Ok, I warn you now, this post may ramble and run on and make little or no sense. Then again it may make a lot of sense, I don't know cause I haven't written it yet. In any case, its not entirely pleasant, either to think about/discuss and probably even less so to read or hear. I don't know. Just a warning. It was kinda prompted by Shan's question of "What kind of crazy things have you done for love". Kinda.

You all know how lately I've been reading more and more books on Wicca, or atleast sifting thru them and gleaning little bits here and there. Well, a common theme thru them all is Meditation being key to a lot of things. Here's where the problem starts. Meditation is not easy for me, most days not even remotely possible. Not because I lack focus, visualization, etc. My mind created a major road block to the process just about 6 years ago when I trusted someone I thought was a friend.

Said friend had read a book about guided imagery/meditation. He was discussing it in class one day and I thought it sounded interesting and agreed to give it a try - he providing the imagery, me doing the meditation. I thought I could trust him, having known him for a couple of years and having shared numerous classes and group projects with him. Boy was I wrong.

To this day I don't know/remember everything that happened. Lets just say that while I was so deeply relaxed and "meditative" it was more like a trance/hypnotic state. He decided he was going to see just how far he could go with me. Mind you, I was newly married to Rob and this guy had gone to the wedding and met Rob several times already. You would think he'd have respected that. Obviously not. I remember him touching and fondling me through my clothes, kissing me, and taking pictures of me, even a few up the sleeve of my shirt. I just wasn't able to do anything about it. I didn't even really remember or believe it had happened.

No I never confronted the guy. Mainly because after having a several hour conversation with one friend my mind blocked the whole thing out for quite some time. Almost a year. Until my final semester in college (towards the end of the same year) when in one of my classes the teacher used guided meditations. The first day he mentioned it I talked to him after class and told him I didn't know how well I'd be able to handle it and gave him a brief explanation why. To make matters worse, the guy was in the class with me. The prof knew all this and told me to try, that's all he could ask. If it worked it was because it was supposed to. If it didn't it wasn't supposed to.

The few times we were in class and did the exercises I was able to meditate, and do the exercises. Mainly because so many people were around and I knew implicitly that I could trust the prof that I didn't worry.

Half way thru the class, after going to visit Rob in Hawaii for Christmas (and seeing Trish and Mollie), I told Rob about it. This was a 5 or 6 hour phone conversation, yes I was too chicken to tell him in person. I was so afraid he'd blame me or get angry, or hell I don't know what I was thinking. He did get angry. SO angry he wanted to punch the concrete/cinder block support beams running thru his barracks room. So angry he wanted to kill the guy. (He still does.) He was on a plane just a few days later to spend some time with me. While he was there, tho, I made him promise not to say or do anything to the guy about what happened. First, because the guy didn't know that I knew what happened, or if he did it was only a suspicion no proof. Second, I didn't want Rob to go to jail for doing something to the guy. Even then I was still a firm believer in Karma and he'd get what was coming to him. I still wish some days I was able to be there to see it when it happened.

anyhow, back to my original thoughts. I know that he's nowhere around, yet still meditating is not easy, and oftentimes seems impossible. I sit down, try to relax, and my body just won't. I feel uncomfortable and leary. Wondering who's going to try to manipulate me, or take advantage of my semi-conscious state. I logically know Rob wouldn't do anything, and the only thing X would do would be interrupt and want to play or talk, or something equally inane. But that doesn't stop the irrational fear from making it so much harder than it could and or should be. YKWIM?

The entire experience still pops up and haunts me from time to time. I wonder if the phrase he tried to plant or suggest for me to instantly go to that meditative/hypnotic/receptive state will come back to haunt me. I want to know, but at the same time I don't want to know. I probably never will find out because I've never told anyone that phrase, and don't know as I plan to.

Other times, someone will say something that he would say, and I'll have a sense of dread or anger come over me. Mainly when teasing me about if not being able to have me, maybe they could get with my sister. Or other comments that he would jokingly make that were not necessarily appropriate or appreciated.

I've tried and tried to let the whole thing go. To move on and get on with my life. I'll think it doesn't bother me anymore then something will happen, or someone will say something and it'll all come rushing back. The anger, the frustration, the disgust, all of it just come back. I HATE feeling like a victim and letting it have any control what-so-ever in my life. But, it seems, some days its just going to haunt me no matter how hard I try.

So, what's the craziest thing I've ever done for love? Not told my husband that I had in a sense been mentally raped, molested, and maybe even more. I don't know for certain that nothing more than fondling thru my clothes went on. Sometimes I don't know if I want to know. Even crazier, I made him promise not to take any kind of revenge on the SOB. Mainly because I didn't want Rob to have to deal with the repercussions, but partially because I didn't want the guy to know that I knew. Maybe that's not crazy, just plain stupid.