You know, sometimes I really feel clueless. Its seems like everyone I know has some grand plan. They all have some kind of idea of what they want to do. But I have no clue. I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know what I want to do. Heck, sometimes I don't think there is much I can do. I feel so torn. I want to work in some way, help support us. Earn some money so we have a little extra money if we need it. But at the same time I don't like the idea of leaving Xavier with anyone. I hear so many horror stories about babysitters and daycare. The world seems to be going to he!! in a handbasket and I fear trusting strangers with my baby. *sad smile* Its kinda funny. There are times when I feel a strong urge just to get away from him, yet don't have anywhere to go, or do, or anything like that.

You know what the real kicker is? I feel like such a waste sometimes. I spent 3 years in college, got a degree, and here I am 3 years later and never had a job using the dang thing. The few times I had any hope of using it, I wasn't able to get the job because I was leaving the area. And then I got pregnant and had a very complicated time of it, so it wasn't like I could work then. Xavier is so clingy to me, I don't know as if I'd be able to work outside the home. I'd try using my degree to work from home, but they usually want you to work in the office before they even consider that option.

I'm such a wreck. I know, self pity will get me nowhere. I don't know if it really is self pity though. Its just random thoughts that run through my shambles of a brain. Yeah, yeah. Self-deprication does me no good either. But my brain is a shambles right now. I'm so fried lately I don't know whether I'm coming or going half the time. I feel so tired - mentally and physically. I have no energy. I don't know if its a result of chasing after Xavier or what. It just seems as if I could curl up and sleep forever sometimes.

Sorry, I probably make little sense tonight. I'm just sitting her letting my fingers type what they may. Free-typing I guess. Not much thought going into the words. Maybe thats a good thing, maybe not. I don't know. Right now it works. *small laugh* I hope I didn't bore you all too much. Sorry.