WARNING: Explicit language precedes. Very violent and negative thoughts are contained in this post so the weak of heart need not read. Consider yourself warned.

Why is it that our friends and our family are the ones who hurt us the most? I'll tell you why. Because we let them get so close to us, whether we mean to or not. I don't know how many times someone I cared about said something to me and it felt like they'd just shot me. Yesterday Andrea said some stuff that made me think. I mean other than just talking about Dad. She said she wanted to talk to me about Rob and forgiving him. What has he done that I'd have to forgive. Then she said she didn't want to talk to me about it right then, she wanted plenty of space between us before she said anything.

I felt a cold dread in the pit of my stomach when she said it. I was taken back to a few years ago. When I was still in college and Wendy and her then-boyfriend Paul came over to Mom and Dad's one day while I was visiting during a break or something. I really did not want to talk to her. She knew that. I'd called before I left for DeVry and told her in no uncertain terms that I never wanted to talk to or see her again. Obviously, that didn't work very well because we talk every once in a while now. (Usually it seems, when she needs something, but that's a different story.) Anyhow, on this particular day she and Paul came over and they refused to leave until I came out to talk to her. I'd gone to mom's room and locked myself in her bathroom to avoid her. After about half an hour or so Mom came in and asked me to please come out and atleast listen to what she had to say so she would leave. Only to humor my mom did I do it. Sometimes I still regret that decision, but I made it. Rob went out and talked to Paul while Mom, Andrea, Wendy and I all sat down in the livingroom.

Ok. Quick flashback. A few years prior to all of this Wendy and I met in Germany. She was having family problems, mainly an incest issue with her uncle/adoptive dad, and constantly fought with her aunt/adoptive mom and cousin. Being a caring friend I tried to help her. I asked my parents to get custody of her. They did and she moved back to Georgia with us. We met our boyfriends at the same day camp, and that's pretty much where things started to go down hill. In the end she pretty much told my parents fuck you. I know you fed me, clothed me and housed me for a year but fucking Paul is more important than finishing High School, going to college (which my parents were prepared to help pay for) and living under your rules anymore so she had left. I felt responsible for hurting my parents because I'd been the one to bring her into the house and pretty much had a breakdown. Then right before I left for college I called her and told her never to contact me again. She couldn't handle that and proceded to get into a fight with me, leading to another complete shut down. Now, fast forward a couple of years...

For the next few hours she tried to figure out why I'd said what I had said. She wanted to know if I'd known she'd asked mom about me, for my number at school. I said I did and I didn't care. I didn't want her in my life. Do you know what she said? She said she'd thought several times about driving up to Atlanta to the campus and watching for me then kidnapping me, taking me to a hotel, and tying me up and forcing me to listen to what she had to say. I was not only pissed, but horrified. What in the hell could posess her to want to stalk me? Did she not understand leave me alone? Obviopusly not because here we sat. I was a prisoner in my parents home. Anyhow. That time also turned into a big drama fest.

Somewhere along the way they tried to turn me against Rob. The man who loved me. Who supported all of my decisions. The one who was unequivocably there for me whenever I needed him. And this was before he and I even got engaged mind you. They started telling me all kinds of tales. Wendy fed me lines that he and Paul had gone to different bars and Rob had said not to tell us they'd gone. Or that someone they knew had seen Rob out in public kissing on some chick. Or that while Rob and Paul were at a strip club one of the dancers was getting real friendly with Rob. Of course those weren't as bad as the next two lines they tried to feed me. First they tried to tell me that Rob hit on Mom while they were at the hospital after Angie had Marissa. He'd made a sexual comment around her and I guess she was slightly uncomfortable but didn't say anything to him. Instead she talked to Paul and he convinced her Rob had been hitting on her. Then, the real kicker. My sister tells me Rob offered her money for a blow job. WTF? Talk about being hit with a lead bullet. I was shattered. Who do I believe? Rob's never told me any of this and here people who say they love me are telling me this shit.

So of course, I go out to talk to Rob. Rob pointed out that everytime he went to a bar, he told me about it. The times Wendy told me about, he'd told me about. He had told me long before that about the stripper. They were friends before he met me. So I already knew about her, and I had no issues with it. Rob and my mom used to joke (and still do) about sexual stuff so what made this time so different? Because some asshole decided to twist what was said and mom chose to believe him over anything else. And what about Andrea? Rob told me about the night that stuff supposedly happened. They'd gone out to Doodles (an arcade type place) because she wanted to get out of the house and do something. So, of course, she calls my boyfriend. Ok, the logic of it fails me too, but that's just her. Afterwards they went to his house and were watching a movie or talking or something like that. Its not like she'd never been there before. Anyhow, apparently she had a bottle of aftershock and did a few shots then started talking about some of her exploits, guys she'd given blow jobs to and stuff. Rob says there was no mention of her giving him a blow job and therefore never any mention of him paying her for anything so how did she get that idea? Was she just making it up or what? She eventually recanted the story, he didn't offer her money for a blow job, but why the hell did she say it to begin with then?

So, flash forward to yesterday. What the hell is she talking about? Is she trying to rehash a scene from the past? Is she trying to say he really did cheat on me? Rob and I have discussed this before and he has told me he has NEVER cheated on me. So who do I trust? The man I love, who has no reason to lie to me, who hasn't lied to me? Or the sister who has caused drama, and lied to me? Why do the people I love continue to find ways to twist a knife in my gut and bring me pain? grrrrrr I wish I knew.