What ifs?

My heart aches. I also feel like a traitor.

I still feel like crying almost constantly over Gemina. I knew her death would be hard. I knew that from a fever induced halucination when Gemina was still a puppy. But I hurt more for losing Gemina than I did when my Grandma died. Is that ok? Did I value gemina more than my Grandma? I don't think I did. I merely think that Gemina was such a big and constant factor in my life that the daily routine makes the grief all that more real.

The senselessness of Gemina's death eats at me too. Knowing that she was on her way home and had only 200 ft or so to make it to our yard really bites. What happened to my baby? If I'd sent James out to let her in sooner could I have stopped this all from happening? The way the runner is broken where she was found isn't even the direction she originally went. Or, I don't think its the way she oriniginally went, I could be wrong.

There are so many things about it I don't know. We knew my Grandma wasn't well, so her death wasn't completely unexpected. Gemina was happy, healthy, and as lively as ever. She'd just been in for her vet check up. She was in on the 10th and she was given a clean bill of health. What happened in that 8 days that fate decided to tear her from my life? Was I such a bad person? Such a bad mom to her? I gave her love and attention. Food and shelter. Aren't those the important things?

Now there's another puppy in the house and working her way into my heart. I feel like I'm betraying Gemina's memory. I didn't even know she was dead for 24 hours before I brought Autumn home. What kind of person am I for that? Am I so fickle that I only think I miss my brindle baby that much? The pain of her passing seems so real that my heart almost actually aches for her. But, there's another puppy here now. I'm playing with her, giving her love and attention. Gemina is only a thought away. Not even that far. I'm seeing Gemina everytime Autumn does something and they look nothing alike.

Am I just completely deranged and delusional? Am I really that messed up? Am I betraying my Gemina? Am I denying Autumn because I think so often of Gemina? SO many questions, no real answers. My life really is a roller coaster ride right now. I just hope that I survive the ride with nothing more than a little fear and trepidation.